All Books Free: Fiction, Children's, Poetry

Home

Free Novels

Free Children's Books

Free Short Stories

Free Poetry Books

Submit Your Books

Hello, God?

a short story by John Kremer

УHello, God? Е Well, who is this then? Е This is heaven, isnТt it? Е Well, all right, then let me speak to God. Е God. Е God, thatТs capital G Ц o Ц d, God. Е Well, I donТt give a damn what name he goes by, I just want him. Let me talk to the head man. Е The boss. You do have a boss? Е Okay, let me speak to him. Е IТll wait. Е No, I wonТt hang up. Е No, you listen! IТve spent some big bucks to make this call. IТve gone through three Comsats and fourteen Telstars to reach you guys, and IТm not about to hang up now. You just tell your boss that Joseph L. Montagu is waiting to talk to him. Е Just tell him. Е Let me worry about that. You just get him. IТll do the explaining. Е ThatТs better. Е Yes, IТll hold, but make it quick. Е Yah, thanks. ЕФ

#

УYah, hello. WhoТs this? Е Michael de who? Е Michael the Archangel? Hey, has there been some kind of coup up there? I wanted to speak to God, and the little squirt gives me you. Е God. Е God. ThatТs capital G Ц o Ц d, God. Е You, too? Е Never heard of the fella? Е Well, have you heard of the Big Boss? Е Well, do you have some kind of being up there whoТs in charge of the whole place? Е Good, let me talk to him. Е Yah, IТll hold. ЕФ

#

УYah, hello. Is this God? Е God. Е You, too? Е Well, are you the big boss? Е Ya know, the person in charge. Е Good, then youТre the one I want to talk to. Ya see, IТve got this problem and I Ч Е What? Е In triplicate? Е Hey, listen fella, this is a long distance phone call, very long distance. I canТt just up and leave everything here to come and fill out one of your forms. Е Yah, IТm calling from Earth. Е Yah, you got it. Е What? Е YouТre not in charge of cleaning earth? Who said anything about cleaning? Е YouТre the what? Е The sanitation department? Shit. Е No, not in heaven. Е No, itТs just an expression. Е Yah, sorry. I didnТt know youТd take it personally. Е ThatТs all right. Е No, now wait a minute, donТt hang up! Е Yah, I mean, IТve been three months setting up this call, and I donТt have another three months to spare. Е Yah, I need to talk to God. Е Yah, I know, you never heard of him. But have you heard of some supreme being? Ya know, the head of the whole shebang. Е The big boss. The king. The president. Е The president? Е Good, let me speak to him. Е Yah, thanks. Е No trouble. Е Yah, IТll hold. ЕФ

#

Hello? Е Are you God? Е God. Е God, capital G Ц o Ц d, God. Е Not again. Well, are you the president? Е HeТs out? Е WonТt be back till when? Е Translate that for me. Е From Earth. Е Well, itТs the third planet from the Sun. Е Sun? Well, thatТs what we call it. Е No, it doesnТt have any other names as far as I know. Е Well, itТs an ordinary sized star near the outer rim of the galaxy. Е Milky Way. Е Oh, for Ч. Listen, I havenТt got the time for a geography lesson. Have you heard of Jesus Christ? Е Buddha? Е Krishna? Е Zeus? Е No history either, huh? Well, forget it. ItТs not really important. All I really want to know is how much longer before the president returns. Е Oh, heТs in now? Е HeТs been back how long? Е No, wait, donТt tell me. Е No, really, forget I asked. Е Thanks. Now can I talk to the president? Е Finally. Е Yah, IТll hold. ЕФ

#

УHello, Mr. President? Е Good. Say, are you God? Е God, capital G Ц o Ц d, God. Е Oh, no. Well, what are you then? Е I know, the president. But what I mean is, what do you do? Е Yah, like whatТs your line of work? Е Master of ceremonies? What ceremonies? Е Every night? Е Clouds and choirs of angels and the whole works? Every night? DonТt you get bored? Е Oh. Three weeks and then someone else takes over. Elected? Е Drafted. It figures. Е That I can understand. But, see here, enough of this. IТm really not interested in your problems. Е Yah, IТve got my own. Е Well, what do you think IТm calling about? Е Yah, IТve got this problem I want fixed. Е Not your department? Е Yah, it figures. Well, do you know who I should talk to? Е The complaint department? Е All right, IТll try it. What have I got to lose? Е If I should be so lucky. Е YouТll transfer me? Е Yah, thanks. Е Sure, IТll hold. ЕФ

#

УHello. Is this the complaint department? Е Say, first of all, have you heard of God? Е No, forget I asked. Е No, I donТt have any complaints about him. Not yet anyway. Е No, really. Е Yah. Е Yah, but I do have a problem. Е Yah, a problem. Е The president. Е Uh, uh. He told me to talk to you. Е He shouldnТt have? Е You donТt what? Е You donТt handle them in person! What do you do? Е Oh, the proper channels. Е Prayer? Е Have I tried it? Listen, buddy, IТve been trying prayer for two years now, and it hasnТt done me a hell of a lot of good. Е You bet, on the knees and everything. Е Yah, priests, too. And candles and the whole shebang of paraphernalia. Е Even a bishop. Е Yah, two pilgrimages. Е Yah, Lourdes and Jerusalem. Е On Earth. Е Well, itТs the third planet Ч no, wait, itТs not important. Е No, really, forget it. They didnТt do any good anyway. Е Yah, I know. Е HowТd I get your number? Е Well, some guy from Ma Tell. Е Ma Tell. Е ItТs a short and unaffectionate nickname for the Telstar System. Е Well, they run the long-range communications for the entire galaxy. Е Yup, instantaneous. Е Yup, a monopoly. But, as I was saying, this guy from Ma Tell happened to patch into a gravitational curve running from here to heaven. Е Yah, thatТs how it works. Е Well, no, not yet. Е No, IТm the first. Е The hell youТre telling me! YouТd better believe it took big bucks, and a hell of a lot of time. Е What for? I told ya! I got a problem. Е Yah, you told me, proper channels. Е Wait! Е Do you perhaps have someone up there who at least listens to problems? Е Yah, personally. Е Information? Е Okay, letТs give it a try. Е Yah, IТll hold. ЕФ

#

УHello, information? Е Good. Е What? Е Oh. Joseph L. Montagu, from Earth. Е No, you donТt really want to know. Е Yah, IТm sure. You wouldnТt know if I told you anyway. Е Yah. Е Yah, IТm calling because the complaint department said you might know of someone up there who listens to peopleТs problems. Е No, they donТt. You have to go through the proper channels with them. Е Yah, I want someone personal. Е A what? Е A psychoanalyst? Е Well, I donТt know. Е Well, do you have one by the name of God? Е God. Е ThatТs capital G Ц o Ц d, God. Е Yah, IТll hold. Е You do? Е Great, sent me through! Е Yah, IТll hold. Е Yah, thanks. ЕФ

#

УHello, God? Е Oh, thank God! Е Oh, sorry, thatТs an expression. Е Yah, IТve been trying to reach you all day. Е Well, itТs good to talk to you, too. Е You see, I have this problem. Е Yah, I know. Е Thanks, I appreciate you taking the time to listen. Е Well, it began like this. You see, two years ago I found out I had cancer. Е Yah, incurable. Е Yah, and terminal. Е Uh, uh. I tried everything Ч doctors, healers, quacks, priests, lawyers. Е Yah, none of them worked. Е Oh, yes, prayers and pilgrimages and fasts and diets and drugs and a dozen new experimental techniques. Е No, none of them. Е Yah, thatТs why when I got the chance to talk to you, I took it. Е Why you? Well, youТre the big boss. If anyone can cure it, you can. Е You canТt? Е ItТs not your what? Е Your line of work? Well, what do you do then? Е Listen. Just listen? Е Yah, a lot of help. Е Say, you wouldnТt know by chance who does take problems? Е You know, takes Тem and solves Тem. Е You do? Е Him? Е Yah, I should have guessed. Well, can you transfer me? Е You can? Е Just across the abyss? Е No problem then? Е Great. Е Yah, thanks. Е You, too. Е Yah, IТll hold. ЕФ

#

УHello. Is this the big D? ЕФ

See also our website devoted to free nonfiction books. Click here for Free Books for All.

Learn how to market your books here: http://www.bookmarket.com.